WORLD ON FIRE Depending on your current level of paranoia/awareness, this week's acceleration in the ongoing slide towards mass insanity and pan-global chaos serves as proof positive that the Bush Doctrine is either a miserable failure, or a brilliant success. If you take at face value the neoconservative contention that invading and occupying Iraq were necessary first steps in transforming the Middle East into a hotbed of Jeffersonian democracy, simply opening your eyes in the morning must feel like the rudest of awakenings. Iraq is dead already, a corpse nation in the midst of a noxious decomposition that threatens to further foul an already gangrenous region. In Baghdad alone, mass murders and sectarian atrocities are claiming dozens of innocent lives every day. Coalition-trained extremists man fake checkpoints in search of easy pickings, and roving death squads of indeterminate origin haunt the countryside, leaving nothing but corpses and despair in their wake. A recent dispatch reported the grisly discovery of a child's corpse. As if rape and decapitation weren't enough of an insult, her assailants decided to sew a dead dog's head onto the stump or her neck, transforming her into a grim yet fitting mascot for this third, grinding year of America's failed occupation. Never has the term "civil war" seemed so oxymoronic. In the Levant, a ridiculous game of kidnap ping-pong has devolved into all-out, open war, complete with the usual bloody scenes of dead-eyed shock victims and shrieking protesters wandering amid wreckage both human and infrastructural. Meanwhile, the usual suspects are attempting to take advantage of this cross-border frenzy by using it as a pretext for dismantling the regimes in Damascus and Tehran. And won't that be a swell time for all? Meanwhile, in Mumbai, it was India's turn to serve as an object lesson in the inherent vulnerability of pluralistic democracies. Would it be terribly vile of me to point out that the mass transit terrorist attacks that killed over two hundred innocent Indian commuters happened on a date that, numerically, works out to an amusingly ironic 7-Eleven? Say what you will about the terrorists -- or, if your darkest suspicions about the real force behind these paint-by-numbers terrorist attacks have turned to reflexive half-certainty, as have yer old pal Jerky's, The Powers That Be -- at least they've got a sense of humor. Which brings us back to the original topic of whether the horrors described above represent a spiralling out of control, or the deliberate herding of our blindfolded species towards some terrible reckoning deemed necessary by the invisible sculptors of our history. Are we suffering the consequences of incompetence on a heretofore unimaginable scale? Or are we suffering the first pangs of artificially induced labor as some Rough Beast -- genetically modified and artificially inseminated -- prepares to rip itself from our collective womb, its hour come round at last? I don't know about the rest of you, but I think I know the answer to that question. And I want an abortion. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY July 12 On this day in 1580, the first ever Slavic language Bible -- the Ostrog Bible -- is published. Early editions had to be corrected, however, when it was discovered that some wise-acre monk switched the Last Supper menu from bread and wine to borscht and pirogues. On this day in 1892, a hidden lake bursts out of a glacier on the side of Mont Blanc, flooding the valley below and killing around 200 villagers and holidaymakers in Saint Gervais. I think Steely Dan wrote a song about this, but I can't be sure. On this day in 1960, the first Etch A Sketch goes on sale. Childhood frustration ensues. On this day in 2002, the Superior Court of Ontario orders the Canadian province of Ontario to recognize same-sex marriages, at which point regular old different-sex marriages suddenly died a horrible, wheezing death. Thanks a lot, gaylords!

THEY SAID IT! "The President is always right." - Steven Bradbury, head of the freaking Justice Department’s office of legal counsel, when questioned by Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT) as to whether Dubya’s interpretation of the Supreme Court's recent Hamdan decision was right or wrong. *** **** *** "Americans have a severe disease -- worse than AIDS. It's called the winner's complex." - Former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev throws a hissy-fit.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Wally! On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I took a drink from my can of Miller High Life, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses, stared directly into the eyes of this nosy neighbor, and then calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Brummbaer for sending in today's second joke. Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there Airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but That airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten Dollars." One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, And ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a Deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet For the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, But if you say one word it's ten dollars." Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did Everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you Didn't." Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna Fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Nan or Ben... There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour and astringent, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said....... "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not haf a thermon tewday."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: IT'S SKEETER TIME! care of: N8Possibilities OK, mosquitos... Use Bounce Fabric Softener Sheets! Best thing ever used in Louisiana. Just wipe on & go... great for Babies! Bob, a fisherman, takes one vitamin B-1 tablet a day April through October. He said it works. He was right. Hasn't had a mosquito bite in 33 years. Try it. Everyone he has talked into trying it works on them. Vitimin B-1 (Thiamine Hydrochloride 100 mg.) If you eat bananas, the mosquitos like you. Something about the banana oil as your body processes it. Stop eating bananas for the summer and the mosquitos will be much less interested. This is going to floor you, but one of the best insect repellents someone found (who is in the woods every day), is Vick's Vaporub. Plant marigolds around the yard, the flowers give off a smell that bugs do not like, so plant some in that garden also to help ward off bugs without using insecticides. "Tough guy" Marines who spend a great deal of time camping out say that the very best mosquito repellant you can use is Avon Skin-So-Soft bath oil mixed about half and half with alcohol. One of the best natural insect repellants that I've discovered is made from the clear real vanilla. This is the pure vanilla that is sold in Mexico. It works great for mosquitoes and ticks, don't know about other insects. When all else fails -- get a frog! - N8Possibilities [I've tried many of these home repellents myself, and they all work to some degree. The best by far, however, is to stay in the truck. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hi brah: Just wanted to comment on the Ken Lay article. Clever and well written, I found it to be old school Jerky, and even more interesting, as I read the paragraphs I was getting flashes of Hunter S. Thompson. Whether you are ascending towards your role as a great American writer, channelling HST, or simply having a marvelous day, this was some terrific writing. Keep on truckin', my brother. It is all coming back. Hopefully, before you are sent to one of the camps. Your old friend, Steve [Thanks, Steve. You are far too kind. - Jerky] *** **** *** Mr LeBoeuf, I don't understand why, from an Engineering standpoint, are 3 ton slabs of concrete attached to the roof of the tunnel with screws and epoxy. If they're ornamental, why not use fireproof styrofoam? They can't be strucrual if they are screwed and glued into place. Maybe I'll hear an explanation in the future. Aram [Probably not. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Here are the top five budget deficits in America's history... and a Bush is responsible for them all: 1. 2004 (George W. Bush) $413 billion 2. 2003 (George W. Bush) $378 billion 3. 2005 (George W. Bush) $318 billion 4. 2006 (George W. Bush) $296 billion (projected) 5. 1992 (George H. W. Bush) $290 billion F erfucksake! Isn't this irrefutable proof that Bushes should be banned from politics forever?! I'm not sayin', but I'm sayin', y'know? jack [I know. - Jerky] *** **** *** Wassup you happy, fat asshole... You trash my state and the people here huh? I'm gonna have my brother Bubba track your wide ass down, rip off'n yer head and then shit down yer neck. Then I'm gonna have my cousin Clem take y'all out in the swamp, nail yer dick to a stump and hand you a rusty knife, n' just after that, I'm gonna have my other cousin, the gay one, Babu, come around and fuck you up the ass, just ta git yer attention. Have a GREAT DAY! RYD [I didn't realize Tennessee was part of Thailand! - Jerky] *** **** *** Sir J.L. I must take exception to your comment that "chicks have no sense of direction". In a fight she knows how to ratchet it up. there isn't a store on the planet that she can't find despite not having a map, and as all Dirt readers know you just have to unzip and she will find her way down. Keep up the great work. YOP, Grumpy [I stand corrected! - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Mr. Jerky... It just blows me away that the news media is buying into all the 'foiled bomb plots' all of a sudden. Can't these idiots put 2+2 together? And Dubya is trying to shove down our gullets that the 'Taipo Dong' missle fired by N. Korea was "pointed just off the coast of Hawaii". That missle flew twelve feet and we could tell it was headed for Hawaii? What a crock of shit. The Republicans control the propaganda and are shoving it down our throats. You're right... we really are doomed. Cheers, Andy S. [Hey now! What kind of attitude is that for... oh, hold on a minute. You're right. - Jerky] *** **** *** That list provided by CT reminded me of a conversation I had with a coworker. He's in his 50s and claims to be a devout Christian, to the point of not even tolerating talk of other religions. I'm not sure how we got onto the subject, but I was attempting to expand his mind (I know I'm a fuckin' masochist) and got to mentioning how Buddha fasted without food or water under the Bodhi tree for 30-49 days straight (depending on the account) to achieve enlightenment (to be clear, I was not trying to sell him on Buddhism). "That's bull-fuckin'-SHIT!" he told me. "You can't tell me that he survived that long without food and water. No on can! No fuckin' way!" "Well, waitaminnit," I interjected, "correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't your guy die and come back to life after three days? I mean, as long as we're talking plausibility an' all..." He gave me the face I've been getting more and more lately: the one that people give you when you explain something to them in a way that makes them understand something they didn't want to have to think about. I'm sure you know the one... Needless to say, even though we still have an amicable relationship, he refuses to discuss religion with me any longer. Cheers! - jack [Um... don't Christians believe Jesus fasted in the wildnerness for forty days and forty nights? - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com